have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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