seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
