"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
