Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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