I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
