Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
