my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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