one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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