it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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