my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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