Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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