Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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