Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
