The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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