I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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