In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
