I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
