Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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