I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
