Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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