this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
