Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
