I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
