Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
