Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
