Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
