Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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