I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
