The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
