Do you still have your period?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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