I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
