I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
