I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
