Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
this just has baby written all over it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
