My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
