K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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