if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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