I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
