Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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