Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
