You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
