My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
