I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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