I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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