So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
