he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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