I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
