it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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