just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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