im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
