upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you never un-have a 4some
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
