You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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