If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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