Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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