Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
