...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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