I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
