Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
