K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize