Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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