I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize