i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
