I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
