Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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