Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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