dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
